Come back to me
by Badaboumba
Summary: Alternative ending of knockout so, AU from there. It's my first writing in english,this is a training so just tell me what you think and if you want more or not. Please read the notes.
1. Chapter 1 - Don't go

**Hi guys! I hope you're still alive after watching Hunt because I need you ! Here's my first writing in english (yeah because I'm French) so, I need you to read it and if you can, just tell me if I'm in the good way or...not. It's really not an extraordinary storyline and someone has probably already written about that but I'm just trying to train myself with the english writing thing. **

******Tell me too if you want me to write more or not. Just be honest, I'm learning so, no big deal. I'll don't take it personally.**

******Thanks to Ellie and Verity who had the kindness to read and correct me. You girl, are the best.**

**Of course,I don't own the characters . I'm not that clever**

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Come back to me

Chapter one - Don't go

_"No one outside of this immediate family ever needs to know about this. As far as the world is concerned, Roy Montgomery died a hero. We owe it to him. All of us."_

Standing in front of all these people , dressed in her uniform, she started to do her speech. She had to show them , a last time, the hero who was Roy. She had to honor him. For all he had done for her, all he was to his family, to his friends. No matter what he had done, he was a great man and he deserved to be remembered as such.

"Roy Montgomery taught me what it meant to be a cop. He taught me that we are bound by our choices, but we are more than our mistakes. Captain Montgomery once said to me that, for us there is no victory. There are only battles. And in the end, the best you could hope for is to find a place to make your stand. And if you're very lucky.." She turned to Castle,a node threatening to tighten her throat.".. you find someone willing to stand with you. Our captain would want us to carry on the fight. And even if there is..."

"Kate!"

Suddenly, she heard a gunshot sound,she felt her back on the ground and a weight on her, screams,screams everywhere,they said she's been shot ? But she hasn't felt anything and why did she have blood on her hands? The time seemed to stopped. No. _Noo._ God no. It can't be. It couldn't be him.

She looked up to him, and all she could see , was his eyes wide and empty. All she could feel, was his weight heavier and heavier. All she could hear was his heavy breathing, almost non-existent.

Everything was loud all around them,but yet she couldn't hear anything.

This was a nightmare, she was on her way to wake up. That was it.

But she heard his voice, weak, almost a moan,begging her.

"Kate.."

She tried to find where the bullet had entered him but she couldn't. "No! Don't. Don't speak. Please, Just. Stay with me, okay?" she pleaded. Was she crying? Was that tears on her cheeks? No. She couldn't loose him. Not now, not like _that_! That bullet was for her, not him! God, why was he all the time playing the hero?

"I-"

She framed his face with her hands obliging him to look at her. "Shh..Castle, don't speak. I'm here. You're fine, we're fine okay? We will get through this, I promise you, okay? Just don't go, don't go." God, she could feel her heart threatening her to explode. More and more blood flowed onto the grass and he let his front fall on hers.

"I- I'm so sorry Kate"

"Castle! Please! Don't do that! You can't go!" Sudden sobs were shaking her body now and she felt as though she couldn't breathe.

"I- I love you" On this, his eyes closed and she had all his weight on her.

Her eyes went wide ,he what? He love her ? And he had waited to be killed to tell her he loved her? Dammit Castle!

She tried to return his body to the ground and she yelled.

"Here! It's Castle. It's not me, It's Castle.." She repeated his name again, and again as if she couldn't believe it was him. His partner. Almost dead on the ground. It felt so unreal.

And then, sirens were heard, he was transported into the ambulance and she was still on the ground, her body shaking, her hands covered by blood. Reliving the scene again and again. His voice so broken, his eyes usually so hopeful and shining, so dark. The Feeling of the life leaving his body just above her.

"Kate.." She recognized Lanie's voice and her hand on her shoulder. She tried to control her emotions, her tears. She got up to her knees wiping her wet cheeks with her sleeve. She looked away her jaw tight , taking a deep breath.

_Ok Kate, time to be strong._

She stood up in front of her friend, giving her a weak smile.

"I'm..fine Lanie." Yes. She was fine. She was very very fine. Hell no, she was a mess.

"Come on honey, let's go to the hospital. He needs you."

He needs her? He's dead! Gone, he had left her alone.

"I- Okay." -

* * *

They were all in the waiting room, in an oppressive atmosphere, all was silent. Ryan,Lanie and Esposito were close to the wall, Martha was in a chair hiding her head in her hands, Alexis couldn't stop walking with bloodshot eyes and she was in a chair staring at the wall in front of her, her father's hands on her shoulder. She couldn't believe this was happening , and watching all these people, all her friends with these sad looks, it was breaking her heart a little more. She couldn't even look Martha or Alexis in the eye, she just..can't. Her son/Her father was here because of _her._ He jumped on _her_. Took the bullet for _her. _It was supposed to be _her,_ fighting for her life not _him, _Dammit! She was almost shot and _he _really she maybe wouldn't be able to see him again, she felt her whole body shake again, she felt her eyes stinging and threatening to let the tears drop. She tightened her jaw , trying to take deep breaths and calm herself but she couldn't.

So she did the only thing she could, she stood up and excused herself almost running to the bathroom, the tears were already flowing and the air seemed to be gone. She had to be strong, she was trying not let go, she needed to let go. She let her body fall against the wall while being shaken by her sobs, she let out what seemed to be a moan and the tears were back even stronger. A few minutes later, she started to calm down, taking a deep breaths while her heart slowed. She made her way to the waiting room and almost all eyes were on her. They all knew why she was gone, but nobody bothered to talk.

Walking next to Alexis and Martha she said the only thing she could say right now. "I'm sorry" .

The younger redhead looked up at her with empty eyes,the same empty eyes she had seen on her father a few hours before and her throat went dry."Don't. just don't speak."

She heard her sharp tone and she swallowed going back to her chair. She took her father's hand in hers and she sighed heavily, she was tired.

They heard the front door opening with the surgeon walking through it with a neutral face. "Castle's Family ?"

They all raised their eyes to him and she could feel her body tense. Martha stood up taking Alexis in her arms.

"We all are."

The surgeon gave a small smile. "We had complications but he went through the procedure pretty well,the bullet caused a large blood loss and a few broken ribs but he's gonna be just fine".

They all sighed and the pressure in the room seemed lighter.

"When could we see him?" The young redhead said with a hopeful voice.

"Well, we don't know when he's gonna to wake up and when he will, he's gonna be really weak but you can already go see him. Just two at the time and not more than one hour." On that note, he smiled and made his way to another room.

"See ? He's just fine!" The older redhead wrapped her arms around the younger one and Kate could feel a weak smile grow on her lips.

He's gonna be fine. He's alive. They're fine.

And now hot, happy tears were flowing on her cheeks, she hugged her father sighing. A heavy weight was gone from her shoulders and it was good.


	2. Chapter 2 - Travel to reality

**You guys are the best, seriously. That's why tonight (or whatever it is where you are) I give you the next chapter. And I hope you'll like it. It sounded a little weird to me but then I thought "What the hell! Let's do this and we'll see." I know, it's kinda short again and I'm sorry buuuut It's easier to me, to write several short chapters. I can try to make it longer next time but I can't promise. **

**Btw, A big thank you to Caitlyn for correcting me , really. **

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Chapter 2 : Travel to reality

White. Everything was so white and his head was hurting like a bitch. He was standing somewhere, god knows where, alone. Where the hell was he? Was he dreaming ?

"Hello? Is anybody here?" He said without really expecting an answer. He was so confused right now.

_Ok Ricky, think. What's the last thing you can remember? Montgomery's funeral. Light. A shot. Kate. _Not good.

"Rick? What are you doing here?" He turned suddenly his head to a woman he barely recognized and then...

"Whaaa- Oh god, I'm dreaming, right? Please, tell me I'm dreaming." His voice started to go crazy. "Wait! Am I dead? Oh god, tell me I'm not dead because-" His eyes were wide open and the woman in front of him cut him off.

"You should try to calm down, then we can talk."

"I- yeah." What the hell was going on? He was wearing something like a white toga and that woman. She couldn't be her. AH! What if he was transported to a parallel world where he was a Roman? How's that?!

_Drop it Castle._

Weird how those words sounded like Kate. He smiled. _Kate. _

"Wh-Where I am ?" He returned to look at the woman whom he still couldn't believe was in front of him.

"Somewhere where you aren't suppose to be...yet."

"You mean heaven? I'm dead?! That's it? Oh god, I can't believe I'm dead! That's pretty weird to say. I'm...dead. I'm not feeling so dead, you know?"

"For god sakes, stop talking!" The woman pinched the bridge of her nose, sighing.

"Sorry." He said with a low voice and pouted like a nine-year-old child.

"No harm done, but you have to calm down. You're not dead. You have to focus and go back to the people you love. The more time you spend here, the less your chances are of waking up. And you have to wake up. People are waiting for you." Her voice was almost begging, insisting.

He couldn't chase the feeling of fear rise in his body. That was not good. _Not_ good at all.

"I-Okay! But how? How am I supposed to wake up ? I- look, I don't know how to do this. Why am I here anyway?"

"You tell me." She raised an eyebrow to him, intrigued.

"Erm. I'm not sure. I'm kinda confused up there."

"Yeah well, focus then."

"You know, when I hear you speak, I feel like it's Kate talking. Oh!" He said suddenly as he realised something, "Nice to finally meet you even under these circumstances."

"Likewise. But Rick? Do you heard me? You have to focus. You have to get back there or they're going to lose you. I can't let you do this to my daughter. Think of your own daughter, you can't leave her alone! You can't leave either of them alone!"

His eyes went wide and he shook his head. "No, no, no, no. That's not what I want, I won't leave them alone. I can't. I love them way too much."

"Fine. Now tell me what happened. It may help you."

He licked his lips and cleared his throat. "I ehh..We..were at Montgomery's funeral and Kate was doing her amazing speech and she looked at me and then I saw that light flash, once, twice and I jumped on the ground with her. And everything was so loud, everyone was screaming and running around us but all I could feel was her gaze on me, so intense but she looked fine. So where was the bullet? I saw her, watching her hand all bloody but it was not her blood, it was mine. She raised her eyes to me, she looked shocked, breathless. But it was weird, I was not in pain. I felt weak but no pain at all. Nothing was hurting but her gaze on me. I- She started crying and begging me to not go, not leave her alone. She framed my face and I couldn't speak. I couldn't even move. I wanted-I wanted to touch her, tell her everything will be fine, make her stop crying because this, this was hurting me more than that fucking bullet in my body and..." He took a deep breath, ignoring the single tear rolling on his face.

"And then what ?"

"And then I told her that I loved her." At this he placed his hand to his mouth with surprised look on his face.

"Oh please, we've all known that for years now."

He opened his mouth but closed it quickly.

"She loves you too, you know?" She was gently looking at him with a small smile.

"I-I'm not that sure."

"You changed her. The first time you saw her, she was not my Katie. She was that girl so broken with all that anger and the hard times she had before meeting you. She was never smiling or laughing. The flame inside her that I loved was gone. But then you changed her and step by step she was her again. I know she's not easy, but she is worth it and I know you know that too. Don't give up on her, she'll let you in when she's be ready. And who knows? Maybe she is already more than you expect her to be."

"I-I don't! I will not give up. I can't."

"Fine. So, go back to her. Go find her. You didn't take that bullet for her just to let her cry over your dead body, right? "

"No! But how? How can I go back to me? How can I wake up?"

"Close your eyes. Try to hear, feel, move. You can do this. It'll be easy. Just think of your daughter and my Katie. You'll be with them again soon enough."

He was on his way to speak but suddenly she was gone, like the ghost she was.

And he felt weak again.

* * *

She was of waiting, too tired to let her eyes release her tears. Three days she was in that damn chair. Three days and nights. The doctors had tried to make her leave but she couldn't move. She was stuck to her chair. Her fingers were glued to his. She wouldn't leave him. He was going to wake up. He was going to open his eyes and he was going to be just fine. They were going to be just fine. He needed time, that was it. She could give him time.

He loved her, so he was going to come back. For her.

But, what if he wasn't ? What if he had left her alone ? No. She couldn't think about that. She shouldn't because he was fine. He just needed time to figure things out.

She was staring at him, waiting for a movement. Something - anything - because she couldn't lose him. He was her partner! She needed him.

"I swear Castle, if you do that to me, I'm gonna to kick your ass. Hear me?"

For the hundredth time in three days, she wiped her wet cheek with her hand trying to regain her composure. She usually wasn't like that. She was a strong independant woman. But when it was about that man, she wasn't that woman anymore. She was someone else and she liked being that person. She needed to be that person.

Then, she seemed to hear a groan and she felt a weak pressure on her fingers. Her heart jumped in her chest and she saw him move. Oh thanks god he was alive. She felt all the tension leave his body and she squeezed his hand a little more while a smile appeared on her face.

"Ka-" Well, in his head , it sounded better. His head was pounding, his whole body felt like jelly and all he could feel was her warm hand in his. He wanted so much to squeeze it back but he couldn't. It was like he was stuck in the bed by a huge weight.

She laughed, gently stroking his cheek.

"Welcome home Castle."


	3. Chapter 3 - I think I'm scared

**Here you go! I hope you'll like this one like the last. I don't know what to say. So THANK YOU for give it a try. **

**I dedicate this one to Ellie because she deserves to , for killing me with her fanfic and for encouraging me with this story. Love u girl :* **

**If you don't have read her story yet, go for it! : s/8837586/1/heart-so-helpless**

**And thanks to my Beta , because I know, I'm making a lot of mistakes **

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Chapter 3

I think, I'm scared.

One hour later, he was sitting against a pillow with a really devastated Beckett next to him. He was feeling a bit better. At least he could now move his hand in hers and speak without sounding like a sleepy bear, but he couldn't endure her gaze on him anymore. Not this kind of gaze. She didn't seem to realize that he was alive and just next to him. She kept looking at him with an empty look, stroking his hand softly, so softly that he almost couldn't feel it. She looked so scared. He didn't know what was going on in her head but the only thing he wanted to do was to wrap her in his arms and never let her go. After welcoming him back, she didn't say anything. Just looked at him like he was about to disappear. He could see the way her face was almost livid, the black circles under her eyes. He didn't yet know how long he had been out but he could see she hadn't leave him.

"Kate." He said in a low voice, trying to get her attention but she didn't respond. She was still looking at him like he was a ghost or something. He had been a ghost but he was here now. Well he hadn't exactly been a ghost, but still, he hadn't been far off it.

He was going to say something but she cut him off. "I thought I'd lost you for." She said with a trembling voice and she reached her eyes to his, fighting to not let the tears fall. She didn't want to break down in front of him but she couldn't fight this. The moment she had seen his blue eyes open, she had felt a huge lack of air, thinking she had almost never seen those eyes again. She was now, looking at the ground, squeezing his hands harder and harder somehow not wanting to let him go.

She heard him trying to move and groan painfully pushing her to raise her eyes to him. "Don't. Don't move." She gave him a soft smile and laid a hand on his torso.

"Kate, I don't want you to say that. I'm not going to leave you alone, never. Do you hear me Kate? Never." He wanted to hug her so badly right now. She had this look which made his heart hurt. She looked so insecure and he couldn't even comfort her.

Their eyes locked for a long minute, saying all they couldn't say out loud yet. But then the door suddenly opened and Castle jumped on his bed gasping for air pulling Kate closer to him. Kate widened her eyes trying to not to fall onto him. Couldn't he control his strength?

Still surprised by his reaction she tried to relax him with a soft voice and a hand on his cheek. "Castle. Hey, calm down. It's just the doctor." He was looking at her wide-eyed trying to regain his breath. He didn't know why he had reacted like that. The second he had heard the sound of the door opening his heart had just started racing and pounding so fast with a sudden flashback of the shooting invading his head. The only thought he had was to protect her, again.

"Here, everything is fine now, you're okay. I'm okay, see?" She smiled at him while he was regaining his composure and she sat down on her chair, looking at the doctor who was looking at the scene with a concerned look.

"Ehm..I'm sorry for that, I didn't want to scare you. Are you feeling okay?"

Castle was still looking at Kate but upon hearing the doctor speaking he raised his eyes to him, searching for what he could say in answer that. "Yes. I'm okay, it's nothing. You surprised me a little." He cleared his throat and tried to hide his eyes everywhere in the room except on him or Kate. The fact was, he was not okay. He just had a panic attack and he still could feel the fear in his body. It couldn't be good.

"I saw that. I was just passing by, making sure everything is fine." He turned to face Kate before leaving, still having a concerned look. "If something like that happens again, call a nurse and ask for me."

"Sure." She gave the doctor what seemed to be a smile and then turned to Castle who was looking to the wall not even trying to hear what the doctor had said.

"Castle ? Are you sure you're okay?" She knew he wasn't but she wanted to be sure and be at least a little bit reassured.

He raised his gaze to her and was going to speak when the door opened again on two redhead women over running to him.

Alexis rushed to her dad while Martha hugged Kate, asking her how she was feeling.

"Dad! You're awake!" The young redhead was standing next to her dad, eyes red, just wanting to hug her dad but she contented herself with holding his hand.

"Hi pumpkin." He smiled, lifting one hand to her cheek. "Of course I'm awake. What were you thinking? You're going to be stuck with me for a very long time."

She chuckled and laid her hand on his. "I think I can handle that."

A phone ringing was heard in the room and Kate apologised and excused herself while the two redheads encircled Castle.

A moment later Kate put her coat on and look at Castle, who looked like he was begging her to not go. She didn't want to. She didn't have a choice.

"I have to go. The new Captain wants to talk to me. Don't worry, I will be back." She smiled and when she was going to open the door she turned to him. "Call me if you need me." Her look was serious and she knew he understood what she was talking about.

He gave her a nod and she was gone.

* * *

When she was finally at the precinct, she hung her coat on the back of her chair and heard the boys call out to her.

"Yo Beckett! How's Castle?"

She placed a hand across his forehead, thinking. "He umm...I think he's fine."

"You think?"

She looked at Ryan and sighed. "I'll tell you later. You told me the Captain wanted to see me?"

"Yeah. About that... good luck she's like a shark."

"Oh come on, she can't be that bad." Kate looked at the office, seeing the woman writing furiously.

"Oh trust me, she really is."

She was going to ask who she was, when they heard the door of the office and the Captain calling for her.

"Detective Beckett? A word please."

* * *

"Good morning detective, I'm Victoria Gates but you, call me Sir. Take a seat."

She sat on the chair and looked at this woman. Waiting to see what she had to say.

"Detective, I'll be honest with you. The writer usually with you? I can't take him back in... the team."

"What?!" No, no. That couldn't happen. She must have to misheard something. Her mind was playing with her.

"That writer of yours? He's off the team."

She wanted him to leave? Beckett's jaw tightened and she raised her gaze to the woman in front of her. "No way."

"Excuse me?" The woman was looking at her with a cold look.

"He's not going to go anywhere. He's my partner and his place is here with me."

"Oh and you think you're the one to decide that?"

She felt the anger rise and her voice was louder now. "Yes I am. He's my partner."

"He's not your partner, he's a civilian who got shot!"

"That bullet wasn't for him. It was supposed to be me!" She said, clenching her fists.

"But he's the one who got shot. I can't take the risk to involve a civilian. I'm not your beloved Captain Montgomery."

"Hell, you're not. And you know what? You won't take him back? Then you won't have me either."

She rose out of her chair and left the office, taking her coat on her shoulder and leaving the precinct.

The woman was at the door of her office wide eyed, looking at the boys.

"You'd better reason with her."

* * *

She was not about to cry now. She couldn't. She shouldn't cry just in outside his room. He was in there and she just had to open the door and let him take the tension out of her. The scene was playing again and again in her head. She couldn't let that woman take him away from her. He had been there for almost four years and even if at the beginning he had annoyed her, now she couldn't see her working without him. She wouldn't. She needed him. She didn't like to admit it, but she did. She needed him. The worst part of all, was that Gates was not totally wrong. Castle was a civilian and he shouldn't have been put in that situation. All of this was her fault.

She opened the door and saw him looking at her with a wide grin and god, it felt so sat down next to him and took his hand, smiling softly to him.

"Kate, what is it?" He said, a serious look on his face. He had seen her face expression and he knew. Something was wrong.

She bit her bottom lip, looking away "It's nothing."

"Kaaate? Tell me what's wrong." He stretched his arm to guide her eyes to his with two fingers on her chin.

"It's just- The new Captain. She says it's too dangerous and doesn't want you back and now, I'm starting to think that she's right." She said, tears making her eyes shining.

**By the way, for the ones who is wondering about Josh ? Wait the 4th chapter. ;)**


	4. Chapter 4 - Deny

**Morning guys ! There's the next :) Things is getting complicated now. This is not always the case? **

**Please, don't be shy. Tell me how you feel about the story. I don't bite and plus, I have candies over here. ;)**

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Chapter 4

Some things aren't supposed to be denied

"Really Kate, you don't have to do this." Opening the door of his loft with his free hand, he let her come in and crashed on the couch, closing his eyes and groaning in pain. The doctor had just given him the green light to leave the hospital but he didn't really feel better. But the doctor had said that all he could do was rest... and take painkillers. He was going to be drugged-up on painkillers. Those days had been tough and that's why he had wanted to go back at home. He had been tired to go being woken early every mornings just to check his injuries for 5 minutes, tired of eat things that somehow qualified as food but were more alike water, tired of seeing sad faces just because he was on that bed, tired of having to hear his own heart beat going crazy when he had nightmares. He just wanted to forget all about that day and he couldn't if he stayed in the hospital. Even more, he had been and still was tired of arguing with Kate about that day. She couldn't stop blaming herself and accusing him at the same time and, quite frankly, it was pissing him off. The only thing he wanted to remember, and he wanted to discuss was his..sort of.._revelation _just before passing out. But he should have known. Kate Beckett is always hiding from the things she doesn't know how handle. So, she made excuses and changed subject, playing with the fact that he was tired. At first, he hadn't known what to do, he had almost lost her and had told her he loved her and the only thing he wanted was to be with her, but right now? With all the hiding and arguing? He just wanted her to leave him a few days. But she wasn't hearing the same thing, he didn't know why, she kept saying she wanted to stay and help him. How was he supposed to stay with her all day and not confront her?

Kate closed the door and went to put his stuff in his bedroom. Coming back to the living room she looked at him, shaking her head. "Castle, watch yourself. You're a mess."

"Well, thanks Beckett, I'm flattered but I already told you. There's no need."

She tightened her jaw, losing her patience. Why did he needed to complicate things? She was supposed to be the one doing that, not him. "Yes you're right, we've already talked about this and I don't have change my mind. I'm not going to leave you _alone_. How do you think you'll manage with only one arm and the pain? I know you're in pain, don't deny it." she said as she went to sit at the opposite end of the couch to him, watching him, his eyes still closed.

"Funny. Usually you're the one who wants to get me out and funnier still, you're the one who _denies_ everything." He put an emphasis on the end his sentence and she knew what he was talking about. But she didn't want to face it, not yet, not now.

"Castle.. please. Not now." she managed to say, looking suddenly at her hands. She didn't want to talk about that. Like she hadn't wanted to for the last few days. Yes, she was denying the fact that he had told her how he felt but she didn't feel like she could face it right now. She wasn't ready, but she didn't want to lose him. The best thing was to not talk about it yet. They could wait until he was better at least. Almost losing him had just revealed to her somewhat more how she felt about him. That's why her head was a war zone, balancing precariously between letting it go or jumping with him into a relationship or getting away from him. She wasn't good for him. Good god, he had been shot because of her. Right now she needed to be here for him, just looking at him and seeing him suffer was making her heart ache. She wanted to be with him anyway since she didn't want to go back to the precinct if the Captain didn't want him to be there.

"Yes Kate? So when? When will you finally stop hiding? Because I'm starting to get tired of trying to find you."

"_Please_. Don't make it worse. I just want you to be better for now."

"Fine. But this conversation, isn't over, because right now I'm definitely too tired to argue. And still, I can't ask you to be here whenever I need it."

"So what, you're gonna to play the hero once again and get even more hurt? That's your plan?"

"We're not having the hero conversation right now either and I am _not _going to get hurt. Jeez Kate, I'm not made of glass!"

She rose an eyebrow to him as she reached his side and push him a little. Hearing him groaning she looked back at him. "Yeah? Maybe you're not _made of glass _but you can barely move. So, unless you'd like to live on your couch until you're better, I'm curious to know how you're going to do everything alone. So stop to behaving like a baby and let me help you."

"I'm not alone, might I remind you. Alexis still lives here, so does my mother."

"Yeah but they aren't going to be here all day and I doubt they have time to babysit you."

"Because you do?"

"Actually... yes."

"That's a story I want to hear."

"Probably, but not now. You're tired. Come on." She helped him stand up and walk to the bedroom, waiting for him to sit on his bed. She began to undo the buttons of his shirt hesitantly when his useable hand softly wrapped her hand. She raised her gaze to his.

"Kate, don't. I- I can do that. You just go. I'll be fine." he said trying to seem calm.

He let her hand move off his shirt, watching the change in her eyes, going from hesitant to insecure to determined "Okay." She whispered "But, I'm not going anywhere, so deal why it."

She kept the visual contact with him until her phone distracted her. She checked the ID and ignored it, biting the inside of her cheek.

"Kate, you should answer your _boyfriend._"

She looked at him, eyes wide. "How did you-"

"Kate. That's the fifth time that you've heard a call and ignore it. I'm not an idiot. And you really should respond to him. If I'm right, you haven't spoken to him since the shooting, he must be worried." He hated to say things like that. He didn't want her to go speak to motorcycle-boy but if he really loved her, he would be really bad and if it was him, he would need to check on her. That and also that was a way to not have her around him for a moment.

"Fine. I'll wait for your daughter or Martha and then I'll leave. If you need me, just call." She left his room and as she closed the door, she let her back rest against it, rubbing a hand on her face and through her hair,sighing. Why was all of this so hard?

She made her way to the couch, letting thoughts invade her mind when she heard the front door open on Martha.

"Good morning Darling! Where's Richard?" She said, wrapping the girl in her embrace.

"He is in his bedroom, getting some rest." she responded as a small smile traced her lips, her eyes getting lost on the floor.

Martha shook her head and sat on the couch. "Poor boy, I don't remember ever seeing him that bad." She paused. "And you dear, you seem tired. You should go, I don't plan to leave."

"Yeah, I have somewhere to be anyway." She smiled at the woman and made her way to the door, letting her hear her goodbye.

* * *

"So Kate, care to explain what the hell is going on? Have you any idea to how much I was worried when I heard about that shooting?" She was standing in front of her boyfriend in the hallway of the hospital and was starting to get really annoyed. Hell he was worried.

"I'm fine josh, and don't talk so loud please."

"You're fine? So that's all you're going to say? I have just heard that you were the target of a shooting and you say me you're fine? Really Kate?" He went close to her and his voice started to rise. "And no, I'm not going to stop talking loudly, because I don't care."

"What do you want me to say anyway, Josh?"

"Oh I don't know, you could start by telling me where the hell were you those fives days and why you don't respond to my calls."

"Where I was is none of your business."

"Oh I see. It's that writer of yours, isn't it?"

"I'm sorry?"

"You were with your writer, of course. I heard in the hospital from a nurse that a woman refused to leave a patient and used her power to stay and... I'm not surprised it was you."

"Okay, so? It's still none of your business."

"Oh yeah? To know that my girlfriend is with that.. that..guy without even telling me that she almost died is none of my business?!"

"He is my partner Josh, it's what we do. Being _here _for _each other_."

"Yeah right, why don't you just tell me you already sleep with him?" He said with a what seemed to be a smile.

"What the - ? Josh! Okay, you know what. That's enough. You can put your jealousy where your ass is. I'm done." He really had gone too far. She knew she wasn't particularly attached to him but this? This was it.

She was on her way to leave when she felt him grab her arm, making her turn back to him. "Yeah, no. Wait. I want an answer."

"Josh, let me go." She pulled on her arm for him to let her go.

"So, it's a yes? I kneeeew it! You know what? He had deserved that bullet. I don't even know why is still alive."

Her jaw tightened, she dangerously made her way toward him with her gun-gaze, pushing him to a wall and bringing her face close to his to make herself understood, talking with a low, strong voice. "Listen to me Jackass. Say that again and you'll be wondering how you're still alive, understand me? Now, I'm going to leave and you are going to shut your fucking mouth and never, ever call me or anything. Understood?"

She saw him nod. "That was I thought. Now get out." she said pushing him firmly against the wall and leaved.

* * *

**AND NOW. JOSH DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE. AMEN. **


	5. Chapter 5 - I'm coming to you

**LOOK WHO'S HERE. Yeah that's me. And guess what ? My chapter have 2.255 words so as promise much longer than the last. I hope you'll like it, that chapter took me quite times and I'm kinda happy of my it. Like always, thanks so much for the reviews and follow and favourite , really. Just you know, keep going! haha**

**Big thanks to Ellie for everything. She may don't believe me but she's the one who keeps to motivates me chapter by chapter. She's just one of the sweetest girl in the world. So, I dedicate this one to her , again. ILY girl! **

* * *

Chapter 5

I'm coming to you

Opening the door of her car, she sat at the wheel when she heard her phone rang and picked up without checking the ID.

"Beckett." she said instinctively with her cop voice. She waited, listening to noises that seemed to be something like groans and complaints. "Heeello ?" she tried again, frowning.

"Kate, I need you to come over here... please." He managed to say between loud groans.

"Castle?! Are you okay ? What happened ?" She said in one breath. She knew she should not have left him, but she was glad that he had called. She knew that something was off with him.

"Yeah ehmm… I eh… rolled onto my back and now I can barely move and-" He stopped himself, groaning at the pain crossing his body. "Please just hurry up. It hurts."

"Hold on Castle, I'm on my way." she said hanging up and made her way to Castle's loft as fast as she could even turning on the flashing lights.

* * *

He didn't want her to come help him. He didn't want her at all in that moment. Well, that was a great big lie but he was really tired of hearing her blaming herself every 5 seconds and _damn!_ She didn't even want to see the truth and acted like he had said nothing that day. But she was right. He needed help and in those moments like right now, he was so glad to have her. It was hurting so bad.

When Kate arrived to the loft she was almost running to his room. Her whole facial expression worried. When she saw him on his back, his face revealing a real suffering, she choked. The doctor said that he should rest on his stomach or his side because lying down on the wound would be really painful and she could now see that it really was. She went close to him, laying a hand on his shoulder, slowly stroking it to try to relax him.

"It's okay Castle, I'm here. I'm gonna help you, don't make any sudden movement."

"I did not intend to, believe me" He said in a quaking voice. Trying to relax under her soft touch.

Slowly, taking care of his injured arm as well, she tried to roll him on his left side so that the arm under his weight was the left one. She winced when she heard him groan in pain, she really didn't like see him like this. So weak. So not him, joking about everything, teasing her.

"I'm so sorry Castle, I tried to be as gentle as I could." She said, running her soft fingers through his hair now that his back was facing her. "What about I change your bandage ?"

Once she saw him nod, she went to the bathroom, taking all the stuff she needed to clean his wound and came back to his bedroom and kneeling in front of his back, she slowly rose his shirt over his shoulders, unconsciously holding her breath. She brushed her fingers on his skin near to the large bandage and felt him shiver under her touch but he didn't even dare to say anything. As gently as she could, she took off the compress and the bandage covering the hole of the bullet and she once again held her breath looking somewhere else for a few seconds to recompose herself. Obviously, Castle noticed that. "Kate. It's okay, I told you. Not your fault. I'm fine now, It's just a hole."

At his voice, Kate looked back at his back her lower lip between his teeth trying to chase the tears to fall. All of that was _so_ her fault. "I- I know, but God, Castle. This is so bad."

Her voice was breaking his heart.

If one day someone told him that he would have a really worried Beckett kneeling in his bedroom, taking care of him he would have laughed his ass off. But right now, it was not funny at all. She sounded so lost, maybe more than him and he just wanted to hug her but he couldn't.

"Kate, just. Re-cover the wound quickly so that you don't have to see it longer if it's hurting you. Plus, I'm getting cold here."

"Yeah, sorry." As he said it she hurried herself to cover his wound with a clean bandage and as slowly as she could, she stroked the whole contour of it with a soft touch and she could feel him relax but also his breathing take a faster rhythm. Seeing this hole on his back had been so heartbreaking, bringing to her mind flashes of that day, him on top of her, fighting for life. That hole he had for protecting her. This man was ready to give his life for her, she already knew that since long time now but this? This was slapping her. And this same man was waiting for the only thing she was afraid to give him. Love? She had to do something. Things had become strange between them and if she didn't make a decision she may lose him. She couldn't. He was her friend. Her partner. She had known for a long time that he was more than that but it was scaring her. She didn't know how bring the subject. How to tell him that she felt the same for him without him rushing things ? She clearly wanted something with him, she knew that. He had waited so long and she was so thankful for that. She didn't even understand why he had waited for her so long. But the last thing she wanted was them rushing into it. She wanted them to be as before, she wanted to see how things could work between them or not, wanted to take things slow, learning him, even more. Maybe she was ready now. He needed her more than ever, it may be the moment. The moment where all will be different. But not too different, she hoped.

Coming back to earth she put his shirt on and stood up and went to lay down on the other side of the bed, him resting on his side facing her with a interrogative gaze as he saw her frown, her lower lip between her teeth. He thought he could hear her thinking out loud, he didn't know what was going to leave her mouth but she seemed to be raging a war with herself, moving her look everywhere on the bed except on him. But he waited, letting her have time to say whatever she wanted to. He had no idea what she was about to say.

She finally looked into his serious gaze and took a deep breath, linking her hand with his working one.

"Castle I- I thought. A lot. I know you can't wait to talk about _you know what_ so, here I am. Talking about _you know what_-"

"Kate, you can say something else than "you know what" you know? Makes me think of Harry Potter. We're not talking about Voldemort, right?" He said tentatively, risking to have her glaring at him with her black look but instead he found her smiling softly with an adorable look. Ok a smile, that was good right?

"Yeah, sorry. What I was trying to say is- That, I- I don't even know why all of this is so hard. I do not want to lose you, Castle." She looked at him eyes wide and felt his warm palm cupping his cheek, encouraging her.

"You never lost me" he said with a low, tender voice.

She slowly nodded, resting her cheek into his touch. "You know, I'm the kind of person who hides her feeling , you know that better than anyone else and I'm truly sorry about that but, you have to understand, this is really hard for me. This is so much more important than the fake relationships I was in since you've been here. I hurt you, I know I did but what if all of this doesn't work out ? I don't want to lose what we have. I also think is time for me to be honest to you sure, but to me as well. I care about you, I really do so, I'm not going to say it, to say the words you truly want to hear but I'm not ready for that. I want something with you, but I want it to be as slow and natural as possible. I don't want to rush things and realize that it's wrong. I want to enjoy the journey, Castle."

She felt his soft finger wipe a tear that she didn't know had rolled down her cheek and saw that look he was giving her. That loving look that was making it hard to breathe but melted as well her heart. She knew she had made the right choice. She came closer to him, taking care to not hurt him but she already could feel his warmth wrapping around her and she closed her eyes while he laid a gentle kiss on her forehead.

He couldn't believe what had just happened.

"Everything is going to be fine. Better than fine, we'll be great." He said and heard her laugh. "You know Kate, I'll do everything I can to make it. I really don't want to screw it up, this time. You're extraordinary Kate Beckett, and I'm ready to make it work. After all, I'm training since 3 years now."

Again she laughed and raised her head so she could look him in the eyes. She saw him look at her eyes and then her lips over and over again, she knew what he wanted, god she so wanted it too. So she wrapped a hand around the back of his neck, slowly making her way to his lips ; her heart racing and threatening to explode. She just brushed her lips to his with a light pressure when she felt him attacking her lower lip firmly. She responded immediately, allowing herself to ask for his mouth. The ballet had lasted just enough time to let them breathless, her forehead against his as she smiled seeing him still dizzy. _What a day._

They're stay silent for a few minutes until he spoke. "So, I assume that things did not go well with Josh, did they?"

Kate buried her forehead in his neck , sighing. "He's a Jackass, let's not talk about him."

"I'm agree with the lets-not-talk-about-the-ex part, but I sent you to him not for you to be hurt or break up with him, you know that , right? Even if I'm glad you did. "

"Yes Castle and I would have broken up with him anyway. He just made it easier for me today."

Castle bowed his head so that he could see her. " How's that ?"

"Well, when I said he was a Jackass, I have my reasons. But please, stop with him. I'm done."

"But Kate, did he _touch _you ?" He said as his jaw tightened at the thought.

"Hell no! Listen Castle, stop talking about him, I'm fine."

Another moment of silent fell. "You hungry ?" she said rising her gaze to his.

"That, Detective, I am." He said, his voice teasing, an eyebrow raised and a smirk on the face.

She rolled her eyes at him, sitting in front of him and spoke making sure to have the same teasing voice. "Don't worry Castle, once you'll be better, we'll fix it." She chuckled when she saw him swallowed and then climbed out of the bed. "Chinese okay with you?"

"Sure" he said smiling at her.

* * *

"Geez! Castle! Just look where your mouth is!" She shouted as Castle, who was sitting awkwardly on his bed, had let his food fall without saying on Kate's lap.

"Not my fault Kate, I'm eating with one arm and I'm basically paralyzed by my back. But I'm not against you feeding me." He looked at her and made his eyebrows dance.

"Yeah, _in never gonna happen land."_ She said raising an eyebrow.

"Why Detectice, you're mean to me." He said, feigning to be hurt

"Castle, you're going to be like that for 2 months. I'm not going to feed you. Do you want me to come wash you into the shower too while we're in it?"

"Well-" She cut him. "Forget that." She said, shaking her head.

Thinking about what he had just said she blushed and bit her chopstick.

"Thinking about something nice there ?" He asked her with a cocky smile.

"Shut up. Keep eating properly." She said, blushing even more.

"So Kate, what's the thing with the precinct? Why didn't you go there today and the days before ?" He said out of the blue and she raised her gaze to meet his.

"Uhh...Yeah... You know, I told you about that new captain not wanting you around because it's too dangerous and all?" She said and continued when she saw him nod. " Well, when she told me that, I kinda lost control and told her that I wasn't going back there without you."

"Wh- Kate! You didn't have to do that! She's going to take me back anyway." He said, looking at her with a look full of certaincy.

"Ohh? How can you be that sure?" She asked not even surprise.

"Don't be worried about that. I know what I have to do. She'll take me back."


	6. Chapter 6 - Just a dream

**I'm soooo sorry! I swear, I really am. I made you wait so long oh god. I feel so bad. I'm so sorry. I had problems recently with the writing thing not like blockage but still I couldn't write anything, for this fanfic or my other one. So just forgive me because I just finished this chapter hoping that you'll like it. **

**Again, thanks for your kind reviews. It really motivates me, really. I prefer know that I'am not writing this for nothing because it take me really much effort to think, write and focus in english u know? **

**And yes, I heard you, now that they're 'together' and that they have nowhere to be we'll be in a bubble for some chapters but things wouldn't be easy, we already have some problems here. **

**Just keep showing that I don't do that only for me and tell me what you think! :)**

**Again , big thanks for the best girl ever, Ellie. For being so kind and awesome and for correcting my chapter of course! **

* * *

Blood, all she could see on her hands, was blood. But where was she? She had her uniform on, she was kneeling on the grass and - Oh no. That couldn't be true. Her partner couldn't be laying on the floor at her feet just dying.

He was so pale and she tried to shake his body desperately, tears running down her cheeks. Everybody could see her crying and begging him to stay with her but she didn't care in that moment. She had already lost her mother, she couldn't lose him. Why was the universe was trying to take away everyone that she loved? Why her? Why him? And all of this was her fault, she could only blame herself. And she was still trying to wake him, though she knew that it couldn't happen. She had failed. Failed in protecting him, failed in believing in him, failed with his trust, failed in lik- loving him. She hadn't done anything right, and she could never be able to stand up after that.

She felt Lanie touching her shoulder and she rose her devastated gaze to her, begging her to save him, to do something because they were all standing around them but none of them were trying to help him.

But all she did was to shake her head and say those words that was choking her and making her collapse and bursting into tears over her partner dead body. Not wanting to believe, to face it.

"I'm sorry, there's nothing to do for him. He's gone, Kate. I'm so sorry."

Everyone here knew her as strong, and almost even emotionless. The woman who doesn't flinch no matter what she faces. But this was too much and she needed to let it go.

She just lost her partner, her friend. And so much more.

* * *

Taking a huge breath, Kate woke up sitting suddenly, eyes wide open. Trying to remember where she was and coming back from her dream, she ran her hand through her hair trying to calm her heart pounding erratically in her chest. She took a look to where she was and she recognised Castle's couch. Oh yeah, she had slept on his couch tonight to hear him if he needed her. He had be arguing about her not wanting to sleep with him but she had said that he surely could sleep better without her. That dream had been so real, she couldn't even calm herself and just now, she noticed that she had tears running down her cheeks, so she wiped them away, getting up from the couch. She needed to see him, to make sure that it had just been a dream, that he was fine and that he didn't leave her.

She walked through his office and slowly opened his bedroom door to see him sleeping on his stomach on the right side of the bed, slightly snoring. She smiled, leaning on the door frame and with a frown as she thought about something.

She went to the left side of the bed and slowly made her way in the bed to his side, lying in a sort of fetal position facing and watching him trying to not think about her previous dream. He was fine. They were both fine.

But she couldn't help thinking about where she would be if that dream was true. She shook her head, she had to stop thinking about it, he was fine and she was torturing herself. Then, she spent like an hour watching him sleep and fell asleep.

* * *

The sun had started to rise, the room started to be coloured with a soft yellow and the writer opened his eyes trying to move, groaning. Being shot in the back was so annoying. He succeed to rest on his left side but he didn't expect to see what he saw and he frowned, wondering if it was real. What was Kate doing curled in his bed? She had been clear last night when she had said that it was better for him to sleep alone. Not that he was complaining. He couldn't watch somewhere else, she was so adorable; the sheet wrapping around her, her long brown hair resting everywhere in a mess. He took a look to the thing that was wrapping his whole torso and his right arm and sighed. He wanted to touch her, he so wanted to push her hair covering her face. That was frustating. He tried to move closer so he could just stretch his arm a little and push the hair that he could reach out to finally see her peaceful face and a soft smile on her lips.

After all, maybe that shot he had took wasn't so bad. That shot had brought them closer. Yes, he almost died but he was fine and here she was. Curling in his bed and he didn't want to let her go now. He didn't regret jumping in front of that bullet because they were both fine and closer than ever.

As he was completely lost in his thought, the woman at his side stretched her arms and opened her eyes with heavy breaths

"Hi." She said with a sleepy voice, smiling shyly.

"Kate. Hi." He replied smiling to her like he didn't know she was here.

"I just had a sense of deja vu here." She said sitting in front of him. "How are you feeling this morning? Better?"

Shaking his head he sighed. "No, It's been a week since I got home and I'm already tired of not being able to move and my back is killing me." He saw her bite her lips and he knew what she was thinking and he made sure to cut in before she said it. "But I'm fine Kate, it could be worse."

Worse, yes. It surely could be much worse. He could be dead.

Seeing her face change and her eyes look empty he tried to sit, groaning but then feeling Kate gently pushing him back in the mattress as her look softened, "Don't, stay still, you're gonna to hurt you even more, I already told you that."

"Kate, what's wrong ?"

"I- I'm fine, just rest. I'm going to make breakfast, yell if you need me. I'll leave the doors open." She said without watching him and giving him what seemed to be a smile, and left the room.

He sighed watching her make her way out. She had opened up to him but she was still running. He knew her too well, he was going to have to wait for her just a little more now that she had told him how she felt.

* * *

She knew that she was running, again. But did she have to tell him about her dream? Was it good for him to hear it? He had told her that he didn't want to hear her blame herself and well, he was fine now. She didn't want to bother him with it. It was just a dream. Just a stupid dream.

She just kept telling herself that while making breakfast when she saw Alexis enter the loft, she greeted the young woman with her spatula. "Hey Alexis."

The young redhead turned to look at her with confusion written all over her face. "Kate, Hi." She paused frowning talking with a tone not really welcoming "What are you doing here?"

Kate cleared her throat and made his gaze dancing between her and the stove, embarrassed. "Well, Martha had to leave yesterday and I knew you were going to come today and I didn't want to leave him on his own. He can't do anything right now. You want something to eat ?"

"Uhh.. no.. thanks I already had breakfast. But you could call me you know? Anyway I suppose he's in his bedroom?" She said looking away from the woman who had caused her father being stuck in bed with a hole in his back.

Kate just mumbled a 'hmm', not really comfortable to talk more with the girl and sighed when she couldn't see her anymore.

She was angry with her, she could feel it. She couldn't blame her for that, she had almost lost her father because of her. She had all the right to hate her. Fortunately she didn't know that her and her father was going to take a step forward. Oh god. She was going to be mad.

* * *

"Dad." The redhead said smiling and sitting in front of her father , grimacing again to see him that bad.

"Hey pumpkin, you had fun with your friends?"

"Yeah, yeah but I shouldn't have left you alone. I'll stay here now when I'll can, promise." She said kissing his forehead.

"No,no it's fine. You don't have to. Besides, Kate is staying here if I need to."

"Dad... She's not going to be here everyday, she has a work to be at."

"No, no she didn't want to go back there. Long story. I tell you, go have fun it's your holiday." He said smiling to her but taking a serious face when she stood up and walked to the left and right. "Pumpkin what's wrong?"

Suddenly she froze in front of him, watching him straight to his eyes.

"Dad! You don't get it! do you? Why are you doing this? How can you even keep her here after -" She closed her eyes for a moment before opening them again "- after what hapened? She's not good for you dad! You almost died! I could lost you because of her! I'm sure just by being here she can get you killed again."

Her voice was dangerously loud now and Kate, who was standing at the door, spoke hesitantly. "Uh... Here's your breakfast Castle. I'm going back to my place. I have some things to do and I'll be here later. Just call if you need me." She smiled weakly and left the room not turning back when she heard Castle's voice begging her to stay.

"Alexis, I think you should go in your room, we'll talk about that later" He said in a serious tone.

Alexis shook her head leaving furiously the room.

What had just happened ?

* * *

She was so right. It was hurting her to admit it but she was. She could understand the girl. Having your father shadowing a cop and being in those kind of situations would be awful. He wasn't a cop and yet he was in the same danger as her. She deserved all of this.

Collapsing onto her couch she rubbed a hand on her forehead, trying to stop thinking. She was too tired to think. She wanted the voices in her head to shut up. What was she doing anyway? She should be at her work not here in her couch. But no, she couldn't go back there. Not yet. She didn't want to face that woman believing that she could change everything now that she was the new Captain.

Suddenly she jumped in her couch hearing knock on her door. She stoop up and opened the door to face two familiar faces.

"Guys? What are you doing here?" She asked, frowning.

"We wanted to know how you were feeling and we have things to tell you." She heard the irish said seriously.

"Okay fine, come in." Letting them entered she bit her lips. "So...What's up?"

"Kate, Gates sent us to tell you that she let you have one month to recover."

"Recover? I'm not the one who's injured, guys."

"Yeah but when you went to her office, yelling at her, she thought that you had been exposed to stress, I don't know. She didn't want you there in those conditions."

"Yeah okay, whatever. Espo please, just spell it out, what's wrong? I just can't stand your look any longer."

"We tried to trace your shooter, tried to find anything but It's like the guy has disappeared, I'm not sure you're safe right now, Kate. He wanted to kill you, or at least, freak you out. I don't think that Castle was in any of his plans, we have to be careful."

"So what, It's like I have a target in my back?"

"We don't know, just be careful, if you suspect anything weird. Don't be yourself Kate, call us."

"I will. "


	7. Chapter 7 - I'm sorry

**Yay I'm back. I'm so sorry I totally forgot that I had already written this chapter and I though I had to write it.. Anyway It's here now. I know It's short AGAIN. I try to make the next longer. That's not a promise. **

**Thanks for the reviews and following and all. Keep going and I'm sorry again I'm very very very late. (I think I'm apologizing as much as Kate here haha) **

**And thanks to Zanna who corrected this chapter. Looveee uuu **

* * *

Typing furiously on his keyboard he raised his head hearing a sound and faced Kate. He couldn't read her, she seemed embarassed and didn't even look directly at him but at the same time he could see this line between her eyes, telling him that she was upset. "Hey, you're back" he said in a breath, frowning, trying to look at her eyes.

She finally raised her gaze to his but he still couldn't read her ; it was like she was in fight with herself. She bit her lip and came to sit on the edge of his bed , in front of him still having that frown on her face, then looking at her hands again. "I'm sorry okay ? I- I shouldn't leave like I did and I'm sorry. but god- ugh." She shook her head and stood up , walking forward then backward like his daughter did hours before while he was looking at her his head tilted. So, it was that ? That's what was bothering her ?

But before he could say anything she cut him, stopping her in front of him frown still here. _How cute _he thought, wanted to slap himself for that because he could see that she was having a hard time saying what she wanted to but he couldn't help her, could he?

"I- I don't even know how tell you this! I freaked out okay ? I freaked out because she's right and I didn't want to hear that, I didn't want to face reality. I know Castle, you're going to tell me that it's not my fault as always but Castle, it really is. And I understand why she hates me. She almost lost her dad because of me. I didn't meant to run away like I did but I couldn't argue with her. God, she didn't even know that we're..." she frowned a little bit more "..dating, whatever." She looked at him her body tense and all she could see in his eyes was , adoration, love. She shook her head. "What?! Why are you watching me like this ?"

He softly smiled and sit letting a little growl left his mouth and held her a hand. "Come here."

She took his hand and came to sit between his legs feeling his torso pressing her back and his arms wrapping her as he could. She sighed and allowed her body to release the tension. "I'm so sorry." she whispered

He laid his chin on top of her head and sigh. "Shh. It's okay. But Kate, she doesn't hate you. She may seem to now, but I'll talk to her and she's going to think about it. You're right, she's scared but it's not your fault." He pressed a kiss in her hair, closing his eyes for a moment until he felt Kate turning into his arms to face him.

"Still, I'm sorry. I don't want to see you two upset. Maybe I could talk to her ?" She watched him raise an eyebrow and shake his head.

"Oh no no no, bad idea. She'll eat you alive. Let me." he smiled at her and they remained still for a long minute, getting lost in each other's eyes.

He stroked her cheek with the back of his right hand , tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. "I really thought you were running away from us." he said out of the blue, making her breathe harder, slowly shaking her head. "I know! It sounds foolish but Kate, when I saw you left the room with that look. You really looked like someone running away and I thought that you weren't going to come back, not any time soon anyway. I'm glad you did."

God what had she done? He looked so scared. She could see it in his eyes. There was an insecure glow that she really wanted gone. She cast her eyes down to his lips and she bit her lip. Looking up at him , she saw his look darken and she knew that his breath was as fast as her own. She leaned on him her lips parted and paused eyes closed when she felt him crash his lips on hers, attacking her, his hand firm on her waist, arching her into him. They were sit in an awkward position but neither of them wanted to stop. Then he led her back on the bed leaning over her with only his left arm and his knees supporting him, he let his lips travelling to her neck. He could feel his back aching but right now? He didn't care .

She felt as though she was surrounded by fog, her vision was completely blurred and all she could feel was his hand and his lips doing those magic things but when she saw him on his knees, trying to get her shirt off with one hand, it hit her. They couldn't.

"Cas- Castle, we can't." She said almost breathless. She really really didn't want to stop but she had to before hurting him. She took his hand and drew him over her again, her forehead against his.

He closed his eyes for a moment sighing. "I know. I'm sorry."

"Let's sleep, shall we?" She smiled at him as he released her.

"You- You'll stay?" He asked her incredulously, eyes wide.

She bit her lip with a frown but soon, smiled again. "Yeahh, I'm staying."

* * *

This morning, he couldn't sleep. The sky was still dark and he was just watching the woman cuddling him and softly snoring making him smile. What if she was right ? What if his daughter really hated her ? It didn't made any sense , why she would want to hate her, Kate was not a person that you could hate. At least to his eyes. He'd never hated her. Been angry with her, yes but he could never hate her. He couldn't understand. Alexis was a growing woman and she was smart, she really was able to think now. Yeah he almost died and yes he understood that she had been scared but that was really not Kate's fault. She was the target! How could it be her fault? She didn't pull the trigger and it had been his choice to take that bullet and he didn't had any regrets. He saved her life and he was fine. What if he hadn't been as fast and she had taken the bullet ? He closed his eyes and hid his nose in her hair, letting her smell invade him. It wasn't really the fact that his daugther didn't like her that was bothering him -well, that too- but the thing was that he knew that Kate was uncomfortable with it and that she really felt like she was right, that she was the only one responsible and he was a little scared to see her running away because of it. Running away because she had someone agreeing with her that _she_ was to blame. God, his head was fuming and he wished that all of this could be easier.

Later, he was starting to be bored and watching the digital numbers next to him he decided to get up without Kate's help; after all, it was less painful now and walking a little coudln't be bad. He walked to the kitchen and stopped when he saw his daughter making herself something to eat. When she saw him , he came closer and kissed her temple.

"Morning pumpkin, what are you doing awake this early?"

The girl rolled her eyes and kissed him in return. "School dad, remember ? _I _can't just lie around in bed all day."

His eyes went wide. "Slow down, it's not my fault. Besides, even if I still have one month and half to recover I already feel better. See? I'm here and by my own!" His smile grows like a child proud to know how tie his shoes for the first time.

"Yeah, I figured it out that it was not your fault" she mumbled, braking eggs into a pan on the stove.

"What ?"

"Nothing."

She continued to cook her dad's breakfast in silence and gave him his plate.

"Alexis, we should talk about this," he said in a serious tone.

"But there's nothing to say. You already know what I think and it's not gonna to change , Dad," she said, looking him right in his eyes.

Tilting slightly her head she opened her mouth once eyes narrowed before closed it again, her face frozen.

"Oh no."

He raised her eyes to her mouth full of eggs. "Whhht?" He managed to say , wondering why his daughter looked like she just had seen a ghost.

"Don't tell me she's here , Dad," she stated frostily.

He swallowed trying to find something to say. "I- Well, she-, we- Why?" Well done.

The red head shook her head. "Because I'm hearing the shower of _your _bathroom and if you're not in and I clearly see you're not, she is."

Not good. She really wasn't reacting like he wished so the less he could do was, at least, being honest. "Yeah, she is."

Alexis shook her head once again and made her way to the door before being intercepted by her father's voice.

"Alexis wait!"

"Don't. Okay ? Don't. I don't want to hear anything but Dad, when are you going to see that she's not good for you? She doesn't even care that you're hurt! She's only here because she feels sorry for you!"

He narrowed his eyes trying to understand why she was overreacting.

"What is she doing here anyway? Doesn't she have a home of her own?"

He felt his throat get dry and tried to think of something to explain her precense without telling her that they were more than partners now but he failed and his babbling betrayed him. "She wanted to- and you know you're not always at home- I needed- she- we-" He closed his eyes wanting to slap himself. And he called himself a writer ?

"Whaaat?! You two are together? But. Okay know what? See you tonight, Dad," she said before leaving the loft.

He sighed, holding his face in his hands, feeling something warm wrapping him.

"I'm still sorry," he heard her say in a whisper.

* * *

So ? haha. The least I can say is that a little storm is coming.


	8. Chapter 8 - Scared

**I told you I'd write a long chapter and here it is! I hope you'll like because now that you have a big chapter and that I updated in less than 5 days, you're going to wait a little :p **

**Thanks for the reviews and the follows and really you're amazing just keep telling me what you think. I can't write without u, u know ? I have to be sure I'm going well and not straight into a wall haha.**

**Thanks again to Zanna, really I owe you now, a lot XD**

* * *

"Hold on Castle, couple of weeks and you're free," she said, a smile spreading on her lips watching him groaning and not even being able to put a shirt long sleeve on.

"I see someone here is having fun at least" he answered with an involuntary sharp tone. He closed his eyes turning to face her with an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry. I just want to get out of here and being able to do what I want by myself."

Kate stared at him, biting on her lip. She took a few steps and helped him to close the buttons. "It's okay, I guess this isn't easy. Can I ask you something ?" she said getting lost in his gaze and when he nodded she continued. "I need to go at my apartment, the guys want to talk to me. You think you will be good here ?"

He smiled and wrapped her into his strong arms, feeling her melting into his chest . "Don't worry I'll be more than good, I need to try to do things by myself. Besides, Alexis is here all day and I need to talk to her, she's still ignoring _the_ conversation." he felt her break their embrace. She kept her arms around him but she looked straight to his eyes with a serious expression.

_How cute. _Focus Castle.

"Castle, maybe you should let it go. I mean, all of this is still new. I think she needs to think about it."

"Kate, a month and half is not enough ? She can see that you're not here just out of pity."

"Well, let's wait until you're fully recovered. She'll see that I'm still here, because I will be," she said, a hand on his cheek. "If she still doesn't understand..I'll talk to her."

"Kate, that's really not a good idea." She frowned when she saw his eyes drop to his naked legs. "Eh wait, you know that I still need to put on my pants ?" he said eyesbrows up, seeing her biting in her lip he gave her a fake outrageous look "Oh Detective I see." He said with his playful voice. "You're actually enjoying the view, aren't you?"

She giggled softly going to sit on his bed staring at him dress. "Maybe I am but Castle I was serious here. I think she needs to know my intentions about you and that I'm quite serious," she said, nodding her head to herself, looking at her hands.

He went in front of her , bringing her up on her feet, arms circling her. "If that's what you want." She nodded again slowly and went on her tiptoes to capture his lips in a soft short kiss letting the two of them smile at each other. "Call if you need me."

* * *

Being home was weird. She felt like she hadn't be there since forever and it had been only a month and half. Sure she came back sometimes but not as long that, just a few hours. She had stayed with Castle for a month and half. She didn't even recognize herself. She had told him how she felt about him and she was enjoying every moment. Why had she waited so long ? Oh yes, he nearly died. At least Castle's daughter was right about that. She had tell him because she had been scared; because she had realized that she couldn't live without him around and damn, the man could give her his life! Somehow she couldn't help but think about how things with Castle were going to be. How long it was going to last ? Was he going to be tired of her one day ? She shook her head looking at the ground. Now wasn't the right time to think about that, she had plenty of time for that later. They had just begun.

When she heard a knock, she shook her head again trying to put her thoughts away and went to open the door.

"Hey guys, so what's up ?" she said with a serious tone now, she felt her body tense.

Esposito was the first to come in and he was shaking his head "Well, nothing. We got nothing Beckett." She could feel him tense too, he was worried for her.

"How ? I mean, he just disappeared ?" she ask with a concerned look.

The second man in the room took a step in front of her with the same concerned look. "Yeah. They are no traces of him anywhere , we checked everything we could. There's absolutely nothing. Whoever this guy is, he knows how to cover his traces and that's not good for you."

Kate bit into her cheek , eyes on the floor. "So what do we do ?"

"I don't even know if there's something to do, it's been a month, if there was something to find, we missed it."

"O-kaaay. So we have nothing. He could come back at any moment." She mumbled slowly to herself. How was she supposed to protect Castle , to come back at her work , to live with a target on her back? Who were they? What did they want?

The boys were now watching each other, sharing concerned looks. "You know that if there was anything we can do, we'd do it, right?"

"Yes Espo, I know." She gave him a small smile and turned to the door where she heard a throat clearing.

Her eyes widened ,open-mouthed "Lanie ?!" Was nobody working today or what?

"Bro I think this is our cue to leave. Beckett, we'll keep you informed" You cowards, she thought.

As the two men passed next to the woman standing arms on her hips , Kate frowned. "What are you doing here ?"

"Wh-wh. Kate ! You girl, are in trouble." Oh this voice ? That was not good at all.

Kate watched her friend incredulously "What did I do ?" she asked, the pitch of her voice rising.

The woman took a few big step and stood in front of her friend. "What did you do ? Nothing! God Kate, you nearly died _that_ day, that man jumped and take that bullet for you and you're here doing whatever you're doing ? Seriously Kate ? You didn't even call me for a month! Not to mention that you're not coming into work. Are you hiding from Castle ?" She asked looking pretty upset. Woah. She rarely had seen her friend like this and considering the situation she found it quite funny.

"Listen-" tried Kate but she rapidly was cut by her friend and she started to be annoyed and tilting her head on the right side , listened to her anyway.

"No Kate. What are you hiding from? He took a bullet for you , he doesn't deserve to be ignored like that! This guy is crazy about you. And I know you're crazy about him"

"Lanie!" She almost yelled and smiled, biting in her lip. She could be so blind sometimes.

_Listen to who is saying this right now_.

"Wh- Why are you smiling like this? Oh..Yo-you have to be kidding me, right?" She saw her friend with wide eyes almost stamping her feet and she couldn't help the laugh that was escaping from her mouth.

"I'm not Lanie. I'm definitely not ignoring him" She said almost proudly and before she could see anything, she felt her friend throwing her arms around her.

"That's my girl! You guys , it took you so long!" Kate giggled softly and nodded. _Too long. _

Lanie let her friend go and took a serious tone. "Now, where's the wine ?"

" Whhhyy ? " said Kate ,laughing .

" Well, I want details, and details need wine, right ?"

* * *

"Hey pumpkin, what are you doing?" For a writer, his questions could be really stupid sometimes. Books and papers all over the desk, seriously ?

"Homework. Why ?" the red head asked , looking up at him.

"Wanted to talk, that's all," he said nonchalantly, hands in his pockets.

He heard his daughter sigh loudly and he already knew that she knew what he wanted to talk about.

"Listen Dad, I understand you want me to like her but I don't. And it's not going to change, I'm sorry." With that, she looked back at her book.

He sighed and rubbed his right hand on his face. This was going to be harder than he'd expected. "Okay. You don't have to love her or even like her but give her a chance..?" He knew he sounded hesitant but he didn't want to have her upset at him. It wasn't the point.

She raised her look to him again. "You really love her, don't you ?" She waited, seeing him search for words , his eyebrows frowned. Well, she didn't even know why she asked, she already knew the answer. But there was something she didn't know. "Why ?" she asked him head tilted to one side.

Now, his expression changed fast and he seemed to not understand her question. "Why what ? Why I love her ? I-" Wow. This was actually harder than he thought. Why ? "Because she's extraordinary," he exclaimed out of the blue, both of his eyebrows raising like it was a secret.

Alexis was now chewing in her cheek. "Give me time, I want to be sure she deserve a chance. I'm doing this for you dad, be careful please."

He smiled and went to kiss her forehead and nodded slowly.

"I love you Dad. Don't ever do this to me again, okay?" she said with a terribly low voice , her eyes wet with tears.

He wrapped his arms around her, putting his head on her shoulder. "Oh I love you too. But It's over, okay ? No need to be worried."

He hoped.

* * *

A few hours later, he was writing in his office when he heard his _gilrfriend_ enter, her big smile illuminating the whole room. He felt her sit on his lap and look at what he was writting. He smiled.

"Spoiler Alert!" he said dramatically, closing his laptop brutally as Kate glared at him, but she was quickly betrayed by a soft smile.

"C'mon , let me see! I won't tell anyone," she said with the look she used when she truly wanted something. Most of the time, it worked.

"Nope. I'm sorry, you have to wait like everybody else. So, what did the boys want to tell you ?" he said, taking one of her hands in his. Her body tensed and he saw her clench her jaw; he noticed immediately; this was what she did when something was off. She stayed silent.

"Kaa-aate, what is it ?"

"I-" She hesited , one hand in her hair. That was it, she was worried or upset or both... But why?

She looked back at him with an insecure gaze that he didn't expect. "The..man who shot you. He disappeared. They have no idea where he's gone and there's nothing that they can do, that _I_ can do." She stood up one hand pressed to her forehead and she could feel his concerned look. That same look she'd received from the boys.

Brutally, she let her hand fell to her side. "How am I supposed to live with a target on my back, Castle ? He's going to come back, you know ? If he wanted me dead, he's going to try again. I- I can't. It could be at any time and the next time, he's not going to miss."

She looked so scared, her hands were shaking and he knew that she was holding back tears . He rose from his chair and wrapped her firmly in his arms. "We'll figure this out, together, okay ? He can't have disappeared and if he comes back, we'll be ready. We'll fight," he said with a strong voice. He was as scared as she was, but if she couldn't be strong one, he would be strong for her.

She smiled at him , touching his cheek with her fingers. "Thank you."

His breath almost stopped when he saw that glow in her eyes and he answered with the only word he knew was right. "Always."

* * *

Late at night, Kate heard a phone ringing. Castle's phone. She groaned and look at the clock.

"You're kidding me, right?" she said to herself, clearly annoyed but seeing that he didn't even move a finger, she took the call.

"Castle's phone?" she said yawning.

Nothing.

"Heeeelllo, is there anybody here ?" Nice, she wasn't in the mood for phone jokes right now.

She heard a throat clearing and rolled her eyes. "Okay, that's funny but I hear you, you know ?"

"Is Mister Castle here ?" said a man's voice that she didn't recognise.

"Ehh..yeah.. he is, Why? Who's speaking ? Do I know you ?"

"Who are you ?" the man voice answered.

"Katherine Beckett, but why the hell are you calling this late ? He's sleeping and so was I," she said with an accusing voice.

Call ended.

"What the-?"

* * *

**But...Who's that guy ..? C'mon! It's easy ;) **


	9. Chapter 9 - Hidden Truth

**Heeeey I'm back! Sorry for the late but I was trying to get over Watershed. (But I didn't) Yeah the chapter is short but my last was long (a) Anyway, the chapter occur one week after the last. more or less**

**Thanks agains for the follow and all. Reviews are welcome too :)**

**BIG THANKS. To Ellie for correcting the mess , you're the best. By the way guys, Go check on her : u/4045402/closingdoors **

**Now I can't tell you when the next update will be because my marks are over in 2 weeks and then I have exams 'til June 27 so, we'll see. Xx **

* * *

"Who was it, Castle?" He heard her ask from the bathroom once he hung up. He looked in the direction of the bathroom frowning and didn't know what answer give to her, the phone still clenched in his fist. He couldn't tell her. The mysterious man had been clear about that. And he completely understood why, but he didn't want to lie to her. Not when he had her where he never thought he would.

"I-He- It." He closed his eyes , mentally slapping his own face. "It was nothing." He finally said, hoping she wouldn't push any further.

Which she did.

"C'mon. You seemed pretty silent. What's wrong?" She asked , entering in his office, facing him with hands on her hips. This was not good for him. He had already lost.

He sighed heavily, trying to find something to say, but he didn't know if he should tell her or not. He knew how she was about this and especially now that he had been on the line.

"I- It was nothing. I assure you. Just -hm- Wrong number." He managed turning his back to her, playing with a paper ball on his desk. Trying anything to avoid facing her.

Kate noticed how he was uncomfortable, turning his back to her. He never did this. He was always facing her. He wasn't the one running away. And yet , there he was, stupidly playing with a paper ball. _Pleaaase._

"That's why the call lasted so much time? Usually, when someone call the wrong number, it doesn't last as long as 2 minutes." She said, now clearly annoyed.

He passed her and headed to the kitchen , avoiding the question.

"Want a coffee?" He said trying to look unflappable.

Kate followed him closely and leant her body firmly against the counter , her head tilted to one side , glaring at him with a stern look. "Really ?"

"Yeah really! So, Coffee or not?" He responded, facing her, trying to be indifferent at her angry posture.

He really was aware that this wasn't the good way at all to stop the interview but what was he supposed to do?

"Save it Castle, now spill." She growled at him with a firm voice. He knew that voice. It was the voice you should be answering if you didn't want to end dead. He wish he could right now.

"I told you! It was nothing. I was just being polite."

"Anything's going to be polite compared to what I'm going to do to you if you keep doing this." She said with the same annoyed voice, walking and stopping close to him.

Even if he was taller than her when she didn't have her heels, he couldn't help but swallow hard. Damn, the woman could be impressive.

And _saved by the bell!_ he thought when he heard Alexis coming downstairs.

"Hey Dad" She said, kissing his cheek. "Morning Detective" She offered to Kate , trying to smile.

"You can call me Kate , you know?" She told at the girl as she nodded.

"Pancakes?" Castle asked already starting to reunite items on the counter.

Alexis frowned and took her bag on her shoulder, glancing between her father and the detective posted only a few centimeters away from him. "Actually, no thanks. I'm having breakfast with friends." She said, kissing again her father's cheek.

"Byeee!" She yelled towards the adults stood in the corner.

Castle shook his head and couldn't help thinking about his daughter nearly being at home since Kate was here but he promised to give her space.

Kate looked at Castle thoughtfully and bit her lips. "Castle, I... I'm gonna be off for a run and take a few things I need from my apartment, but we're not done here." She said trying a small smile before she walked to the bedroom to dress, when she was stopped by Castle's almost scared voice.

"You'll be back, right?" He said with that broken voice she hated. She turned to face him and felt her heart stop beating as she saw the look on his face. Fear.

She walked to him again cupping his jaw with her two hands, taking his unresponsive lips with her own , making sure he knew she wasn't going anywhere.

* * *

Running. It had been a long time since she had run like that and it felt good. Good because she needed to stop thinking. She was just running , feeling all her muscles contract and it was all she needed. These past months had been weird and she was still trying her best to cope with the fact that she actually was dating her partner. Was she regretting the choice to jump forward with him? No. She had known for a really long time now that it was what she wanted. The shooting had been just a little push, really. But it had only been months and he was starting to hide things to her. Why ? He was lying, otherwise why did he want to not tell her who it was? Didn't he trust her?

_God, Kate. Shut up. Just run._

* * *

"So, what's wrong with you and Katherine?" The redhead said looking at her son, sat at his desk.

"Mother, you just came back from your trip, don't you want relax or something?" He said, obviously annoyed by the question and acted like he was actually writing. How was he suppose to write with what was going on in his little head?

"Darling, have you see your face recently ?" She said as she shook her head.

"No. And that's because I'm writing." He said, eyes on the screen.

"Hell you're writing. I know you. You're just... acting!" The woman said, putting an emphasis on the word "acting".

Castle raised his gazed to his mother's and licked his lips. "Someone called." He said and kept going under his mother's look. "A man. I've never heard of him before and all I know about him is that his name is "Smith" "

"So , I still don't see where the problem is."

"The problem is that he has a file that Montgomery had to keep Kate safe. When he died, Smith got the files. And this file. This file, is the only way she can stay safe. They made a deal, the file remains secret and they leave her unharmed but if she tries to look into this? Find her mother's killer? The deal's broken and she's not safe anymore."

"Well, now that's complicated. I'm going to need a drink. But this doesn't tell me where's the problem."

"The problem is that there's everything we need in this file to put her mother's killer down."

"Still not a problem."

Castle sighed, rubbing a hand through his face. "If I tell Kate, she's going to jump to the ceiling and she's going to want the file and use it. She uses it, she's dead. I can't lose her Mother."

Martha sighed now seeing where the problem was. "You have a decision to make. But Richard, lying is not the right one. Speak to her, she'll listen to you."

"I'm not sure." He said, letting his head fall in his hands.

* * *

Hours had passed and Kate had joined her partner in his bed, making her comfortable but the only thing she could feel was Castle tensed not even close to her. Something was off since the morning.

"Castle, I was ready to pass on this call talk this morning but what's going on? What are you not telling me?" She said as he turned to face her, failure written all over his face.

Time to show the cards.

"Kate, the man called about your mother's case."


	10. Lie

**I'M SO SORRY. I SWEAR. OH MY GOD. I'M SO SORRY. I know I KNOW I'm very very very very late. But the thing is, I had some..writing issues (try blockage) and I wasn't able to write a single word in months. I'm sorry again. And still now, words give me hard time . And between this and the exams I'm like exploding. **

**That's why the chapter isn't long and I'm sorry but I wanted to give you something.**

**You can keep reviewing (even if I clearly don't deserve it)**

**Thanks to Julia for the correction **

* * *

"Wh-What!?" She asked, confusion written all over her face as she straightened up in bed.

Castle stared at her, noticing the fear passing across her eyes and swallowed hardly. That was not going to end up fine. He knew that. He couldn't even tell her what it was about, can't risk it. He knew her, he knew she would run head first. He couldn't let that happen.

"The man who called. He called about your mom's murder and Kate I'm so sorry." His voice was barely enough loud to be heard as he kept staring at her, his eyes pleading her to let the conversation drop but who was he kidding ? Kate Beckett never drops anything.

Kate studied him, trying to understand why he was sorry. She felt frustrated and didn't wait to show it.

"Castle, are you going to tell me what the hell's going on or I need to figure it out all by myself ?" She growled , now getting up off the bed.

His eyes went wide and he couldn't stop the rambling words that flowed out of his mouth. "I-I can't. I'm so sorry I - I really can't. Believe me. They'll come for you if I do so. Please, just listen to me. Drop it and move on. You, I- I know this is important to you but Kate you have to stop. And Kate ? Wait, where are you going ?"

She gave him a death glare and started to get dressed just with a shirt and a pair of jeans, putting her heels on as she shook her head. "Once you've decided to tell me what's going on, I'll be right back. In the meantime, since you want to keep it hidden, I'm heading home."

Castle stood up as well, shocked by her words. He was now pretty outraged. His voice sounded so loud like a thunder that tears the sky apart.

"How- How can you say that? I just told you what it's about! I'm just trying to protect you!"

Kate turned around, meeting his angry gaze with her own, clenching her jaw .

"Protect me? You can't protect me Castle! Remember the last time you tried? You ended up almost dead! You can't go behind my back like this and expect me to be okay with it. I'm the one with the gun. You have to stop playing the hero, it's not one of your books Castle!"

She was done. She didn't know what was pissing her off the most. The fact that he went behind her back, and what if by chance she had never asked that question? Probably she'd never have found out the truth. Or the fact that it concerned her mother and he didn't even want to tell her what was going on and the fact that he, once again, was playing her savior. She's almost lost him once because of the same reason, she wasn't going to risk to lose him once more. Even if she would have to leave him alone to think for a day or two.

It was Castle who shook his head now, looking vulnerable. He reached for her hands, firmly.

"Kate, I know it's not one of my books. Because if it was, I would have written an happy ending for you, for us , and If it was my book, everything would be over and you could live without the fear of taking a bullet while walking on the street, solving a new case. I could have the control. But as you said, it isn't and I have no control on your life Kate! So, if there's a way to have control on anything, a way to keep you safe, I'm going to find it. Like it or not. "

Kate was staring at his deep blue eyes she thought were weeping while her tears were threatening to come out, she blinked and he used his thumb to wipe away her tears from her cheek. She wanted to jump in the safety of his arms but she still was frustrated and confused. She needed to think and she could not think clearly with him next.

She bit her lip and silent fell around them before she could start to talk with a weak voice. "I- I gotta go, Castle. I'm going to go back to my apartment and think about it so I can let you do the same by yourself. I know you want to help me, I really do but if you have to hide me things to do that it's not okay. This case, Castle, it's something too dangerous to play with, like you're doing. Hell I can't even stay really mad at you, you don't even let me know what this is about! One way or another, I'm gonna find out Castle. Trust me, I am. But, I would prefer to hear it from you."

She took her hands back and started to turn around when he made her stop, calling her with a strong voice. "Kate."

In a second he had her in his arms as his lips attacked hers, one of his hand on her back pressing her into him and the other caressing her jaw. For a few seconds she didn't understand what was going on until his lips crashed on hers and she froze, surprised. But when she felt him nibbling on her lower lip, she moaned and clung on his shirt, pulling him to her even more. The kiss heated up second by second while their tongues were searching for control that none of them had.

Castle was the first to break the kiss, resting his forehead against hers, trying to regain his breath, staring at her pink cheeks and at the way her eyes was anywhere but on him and he felt the need to say it. He knew she would be back soon but he needed to, right now. But he wanted her to look at him so, softly, he called her, putting his fingers under her chin, lifting her face.

She looked at him with those big eyes that were shining so bright.

"I love you."

He saw the corner of his mouth curving a bit as she loosened the embrace.

"I know."

* * *

She sank in her bed, a pillow tight in her arms but she still felt cold. Her bed was so cold and she knew she wouldn't be able to get any sleep. That was not how she had seen the night. She should have known it was not going to end up find when he didn't tell her the truth the first time. He had never hidden anything from her. Until now. She couldn't believe that she had left him without pushing him to tell her what that man said. She didn't understand, why had that man called him in the first place? How did he know him? She was the cop. It was her case, her mother.

_You have to stop._ Castle words kept repeating in her head again and again. Stop. How could she stop when a man was waiting the right time to take her down? She could stop looking for him if she were sure she would be safe. During those past months she had realized that it didn't worth it. She can't risk to lose someone just because of it, or risk to be murdered. She didn't have any leads anyway. And now that man...

Geez, she just wanted him to stop. Stop protecting her like he was doing. He had a family, he had a mother, he had a daughter. She knew too well what it was like to lost a parent and she couldn't handle it if Alexis lost her father. She had to do something. She knew him. He won't stop, no matter what she says, he won't.

Maybe. Maybe if she could keep Castle away from her, he would be safe. All she had to do was pretending that he crossed a line.

_I love you._ He was going to hurt. To be mad at her. He wouldn't certainly see her again. But was she enough strong to stay away from him? Maybe she could, at least until she makes sure that they were safe. She needed all of it to finally be over. It was a mistake to get even closer to him. They were amazing together. She loved every minute of the time they spent together during those past months, but she wanted to be with him without feeling a target, without making him feeling forced to lie to her. She wouldn't be able to stay at his side knowing that he knew something she didn't anyway. It had to stop.

Her hands tighting on her pillow as her eyes glittered with determination.

Sometimes, to have something, someone, you have to sacrifice yourself. It was just a matter of time. She just had to close the fucking case. _You think you can solve a case you hadn't be able to close in years, right now, because you just decided it? You think he's going to wait for you to close a case you actually can't close? _Said a voice in her head that she wished was having wrong. She knew, it was stupid but she didn't know what to do. The determination she felt rising minutes ago slowly started to crash at her feet and she felt frustrated, tears stinging at the corner of her eyes.

**Just don't kill me. I'm going to send myself out, over there **


	11. Chapter 11 - Letting you in

**Okay. Go, yell at me, you can. I'm so sorry guuys. I have trouble figuring out where to go with this without it turning literally boring and well, yeah. My blockages are still here. I'm gonna thanks the ones who's going to review , if you're still with me, you surely deserve a medal. **

**Please read : **

**I know I'm not supposed to ask that but, really guys, take my request like some sort of a game but I'd like to improve my writing because I'm well aware it's not that great and writing like that has proved that it reallly help me with my english somehow. BUT for that , I need to know what I'm gonna write not write with nothing planned. So, that's here you come in, if you have anything and I mean, _anything, any ideas_ for the next chapters, something you'd like to see, something i'd miss, something I'd need to show just tell me what and I'll take it in count and write it as well as I can . In the other case, if you got nothing, I will end it here . I mean, they're now together, together again and the story about her mother case is the same as in the show so, there's not much to tell. You can guess she will be back at the 12th. But anyway if you'd like to see something , well, tell me. **

**Thanks to Ellie, my writer girl. I don't even know how she can read my thing entirely without giving up but eh, she do it! Check her new project, if you read "Heart so helpless' there's now the sequel 'Promise in pencil' go for it, she's awesome : s/9576703/1/ | u/4045402/closingdoors**

* * *

She was supposed to ignore him. She was supposed to dissapear from him. She was supposed to do that for him. And she did, the missed calls and messages showed that. But really, already one week had passed and she couldn't handle being away from him for such a short time. And she knew , he surely –perhaps even more- felt the same thing. She didn't want _that. _

After all, she had thought in the wrong way. Being at his side could be safer for him. He wasn't armed, she was. He wasn't trained. She was. She could protect him if she needed to. And maybe she could find out about that man.

No. That was using him. She wasn't that desperate, right? She would wait for him to tell her.

* * *

She totally was that desperate.

"Kate?! What are you doing ?" Castle, who was now standing in front of an embarrassed Kate , arched his eyebrow at the ceiling, increduously. What the hell was she doing with his phone, with that little frown on her forehead? He could tell it wasn't some sort of a game.

She blushed so briefly that he thought it had never happened, and she threw his phone on his bed like it had burned her.

"I- Nothing?" She responded her tone lightly raised, taking one hand in the other.

Castle took a few steps , tilting his head to the bed "This?" He said, pointing to his phone. "Isn't 'nothing'. Since when were you spying on my phone?!"

"I'm not!" Kate avoided his look and noticed that the only thing he was wearing was a towel . She couldn't tear her eyes away from his chest and bit in her lips. It was really not the right time think about _that_.

And that's when something hit him, she had wait one week to come back to him and even then, she was always tensed, like walking on eggs "You are. Oh wait. Kate no."

Kate raised her head suddenly ,fear crossing passing across her gaze "Wh- What?"

He shook his head, even more confident once he heard her hesitant tone.

"Do you think I'm an idiot ? If you think you're going to find his number, forget it." He said, walking to his bed, taking his phone back, giving her a dissapointed look.

"I'm not looking for anything."

She so was looking for that number.

"Kate. I told you, you need to stop."

He had told her that, and she thought he was right but it was not something she could just turn off.

"I can't! Okay? I can't! This is my mother, Castle! Don't you get it? I'm not going to let her down, not now, not ever." She locked her eyes with his and she'd manage to speak loud enough for him to understand her point.

"Weren't you the one telling me you could stop for me ? For us ?" He said, his voice deep, almost hopeful. He took the last steps before standing in front of her.

"I did. But that was… before." She lowered her head , feeling ashamed. She hated lying to him. She had lied to him a lot, but she hated when she had to.

"Oh I see. So, you can envisage to live your life when you don't have something to work on but when you do, you forget about it? Can I take a single word coming from you seriously?" He hadn't wanted to sound so accusing but he couldn't help it and she kinda deserved it right now.

"That's not…" She tried, looking hurt by his latest question, she slighty shook her head to him, eyes pleading but he wasn't waiting.

"The hell it is! I'm sorry to tell you that Kate but you have to make a choice."

"Are you asking me to chose between you and my mom? Seriously, Castle?" She felt her body tense, and a spark going through her. How could he-

"No. I'm asking you to chose between your life and your... deadly obsession"

"But this is my life Castle! Always has been since her death, you know that."

"But you can change that! Your mother wouldn't want you to keep going."

"How do you know what she would want and what she wouldn't Castle?"

"Because I'm a father and I wouldn't want Alexis to keep looking when she'd be risking her life!"

"Do you think you could stop looking if it was Alexis ? Let her go without getting her justice she deserved? Could you?"

"Sometimes you have to learn to let people go, Kate. I know this is hard but God, I'm not asking you to stop looking forever. All I'm saying is that you could stop at least until you're out their lines. And maybe I would be at your side but Kate, you have to make yourself stop. Making them believe you've actually stopped. I'm willing to fight with you if it means you stay safe. But not now. Not when I could lose you. Do you hear me?"

"Castle... This is my mom!"

"I know and it's okay, let it go Kate, I'm not going to let you down. I'm here."

She took the last step and let him wrap his strong arms arround her, allowing a few tears to fall down her cheeks. He was right, she knew he was. Maybe she could give him that. Give the man who was so strongly gripping her at little bit of peace he needed, deserved.

She would do that. She would let him help her by his way.

She rose her head, looking at him with a small smile. "Do you have an idea to how you could make _me_ forget? "


	12. Notes , Please read this guys

Hey guys , I'm sorry this is not another chapter (well, I'm sure you already knew that) but just I wanted to thank you all for the feed back today but I really need you to tell me if I end up the story where it is or not. If you hadn't read the notes in the last chapter, please go do it. I'm not gonna explain here again. Just let me know if you want it to end or not and if you don't I will need to know what you want to see. I really need to know if i's time to put that story 'Complete' or not.

Otherwise if you chose that the story can end up here. I'm just gonna thank you all for sticking with me through my blockages and my late updates. And maybe I'll see you again in another story if I find a subject to write on.


	13. Chapter 12 - Nightmare

**Hey guys! So, you told me you wanted me to keep going so here we are. I'm not sure to what I'll write next , I'll try to explore things in order but the end to me is pretty soon from now on. I hope you'll like that chapter 'cause for once it only took me 2 hours and I really like it.  
**

**Thanks for the new follows and favorites, but try to tell me what you think about the chapters otherwise I don't know what to change, ectr. Review or private messages, I don't care.**

**As always, thanks to my writer girl for correcting my mess as soon as she can.**

**Disclaimer : I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here writing this if I was Andrew Marlowe.**

* * *

_He's too late. Too late. The words keep repeating louder and louder and louder like a clock ticking. A clock telling him how late he is._

_He can't see, everything around him is blurred. So blurred that she seems to dissapear under him a bit more everytime he tries to look at her harder. She's like a cloud, like steam wrapping around him and stifling him until all he can see is a white wall. He can't hear, everything around him is like light whispers, screaming to him how wrong all of it is. Whispers that seems louder than they're supposed to be , making his jaw clench and his eyes wet. He wants to scream to those whispers to stop. He wants to scream that it's not his fault, that he tried to save her. But all he can feel is guilt, igniting his veins and his every sense._

_Those almost lifeless eyes can't be hers. He wishes he could see that glow back in those eyes, laughing at him, daring him._

_Those tensed features can't be hers. He wishes he could see that face of her always coordinated to react at anything he would say._

_Those lips, almost white and motionless, can't be hers. He wishes he could see those lips curve into that smile he knows that could light up a whole room and make his whole inside ache._

_That weak body giving up and slowly growing heavy can't be hers. He wishes he could see her kicking his butt and being that extraordinary, strong, fierce woman he knows._

_He feels people moving around him, touching him, talking to him but the only thing he can be focused on, is her. Fighting and little by little losing the battle. He wants to tell her so many things, so many things he held for such a long time but this time, his heart is screaming at him to let those words escape, to give her a hell of reason to stay by his side and he lets the words leave his lips but he's too late._

* * *

Later that night, they'd let their bodies express everything they couldn't say and she had fell in a heavy dreamless sleep, her cheek resting against his broad chest and his arms wrapping strongly around her, but then something pulled her to awareness. Letting her brain adjust to where she was , she noted that she was now, face against the mattress and she growled , lifting her head toward what it seemed to be what had awakened her. She sat and frowned, staring at him as he silently repeated her name like a mantra. She moved close to him, laying a hand on his arm that wasn't wrapped around himself, softly stroking it but it seemed to magnify whatever it was as she saw him tense further and felt him shiver. She remembered that, the nightmares he had after leaving the hospital but she thought it was over.

She tried to call his name , whispering close to his ear and kept stroking his arm but he didn't move, didn't relax a bit and when she called him a bit louder , he suddenly moved sending her on her side and what he said broke her heart.

"Kate… Stay with me, Kate… Don't leave me please. Stay with me, ok? Kate I love you, I love you Kate. I'm sorry."

She gasped as she felt moisture stinging her eyes, hearing him saying those words with a voice she had almost never heard. He sounded so desperate. He sounded like she had. And like that she realized what it was. He was dreaming that he had been too late. He was dreaming she was the one laying lifeless on the grass and with that she remembered what it was to feel him drift away and she couldn't prevent the sob to violently shake her whole body, a hand coming to her mouth.

With one hand she wiped her eyes and went to him again, as soft as ever , whispering sweet things, her hand rubbing his cheek and her lips coming to press firmly against his, hoping it would help be enough to get him back to her.

And it did. She heard his breath change, becoming less erratic and she felt his lips claim hers. She felt how insistent and almost aggressive he was like he wanted to make sure she was really there, and she offered what he wanted as he rolled over her and leaned above her, his arms on either side of her head. As he firmly asked access to her mouth with his tongue, she felt his still flowing tears fall on her cheek and she softly pushed him away, a hand cupping his jaw, eyes staring at him.

He stared at her intensely and leaned into her hand, waiting for his body to stop shaking. She was here and she was fine.

She tried a small smile and laid a hand on his chest to push him on his back. She rose on her elbow, watching him watching her, wrapping his fingers between hers.

He tried to say something, she could tell but she cut him with a stroke to his lips.

"S'okay. I know. I'm here and I didn't plan on going anywhere."

Her voice seemed to relax him, she felt it on his fingers and she kept stroking his arms, his cheek, his chest. She waited for him to regain full consciousness.

"Rick. I love you too. "

Surprised by herself, her strokes stopped and she saw him freeze, his lips slightly parted, his gaze reading through her, burning her whole inside.

For seconds neither of them knew how to react, but Kate knew better and straddled his stomach, crashing her lips to his, biting, pulling, moving with him. Hands wandering everywhere at once. Making the other moan louder and louder. She led that round the whole time, making him realize how very alive she was and what she felt about him.

* * *

"I thought I lost you."

Tilting her head to the side she looked at him and pressed her lips to his shoulder, sighing heavily.

"I know. And you didn't. I think I've been pretty persuasive , don't you?" She broadly smiled at him and saw the way his eyes glinted.

"Hell you did." He smirked at her, biting her ear, making her groan.

"Now I'm aware of what it was like for you" He said resting his chin above her head, hearing her breath get caught. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head, tightening her grip on him. "Don't be. I- We need to talk about things like this. And hell yeah Castle, it was a nightmare I thought I never would be able to wake from." She paused , trying to maintain control and she knew he was waiting for her to share with him.

"I felt like the whole ground had been removed from under my feet and that I was falling in that hole again, Castle. I couldn't lose you. It would have been like my mother over again and just the thought of it… I- I was already seeing myself devastated and alone. And god, I felt like everyone was looking at me, blaming me-"

"Kate, it's not your fault-"

"I know! But I know that now, Castle." She said sitting against the headboard, looking at him. "Back then I was feeling like everything was all on me, that I was supposed to be the one laying on a table fighting for life. And then, your daughter was so mad at me, Castle. You should have seen her, she couldn't even look straight at me without looking like she was about to tear my head off."

He rolled himself on his stomach and looked at her with worried painted all over his face. "And I'm so sorry about that Kate. She was just scared like you were ,and she took that out on you, like you did yourself."

Kate considered him and nodded softly. "I know. But somehow it still hurt, if I hadn't had to look at that case again, nothing would have happened. And I now understand how important it is that I stop looking, Castle. I swear to you, this time, I won't look again."

Castle watched her face screaming at him how serious and sorry she was and he laid a hand on her knee, tracing it.

"And I'm glad you won't because you deserve to be happy, _we _deserve to be given a real chance Kate. But I don't only blame you for looking into your mother's case, I was the one asking you to, remember?" Even though it wasn't funny at all, he noted her lips curved her head down and he couldn't not to do the same.

"Yeaah, you were quite an ass back then." She then looked at him , her smile growing wider when she saw the expression he had, pretending to be hurt.

"I'm sorry? _I wasn't!"_

"Yes you were! You only wanted to get into my pants. Admit it."

He smiled and slipped his hand at her inner thigh dangerously higher and higher without reaching his main point. "Alright Detective, you got me. Isn't it always about that?" He joked, climbing over her like a predator.

She felt her heart take speed-up and eyed the part of him that seemed to ask attention before getting lost again in his eyes. "I think it is, I mean, you're lucky you have an... alright body. Otherwise it couldn't work."

He hummed, a millimeter away from her parted lips, staring at her. "Mmmmh, I knew you were using me for my body." He paused, moving his head back, a fake shocked expression covering his face. "And excuse me? An _alright body?!_ You know that my body is a body of competition. You can't ask better and I know you _loooove_-"

"Castle? Shut up, and kiss me."

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